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Old folks
An elderly couple was attending church. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart .. what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
Scientist
A South American Scientist, after lengthy studies, has discovered that people who are not engaging in enough sexual activity read their e-mails with their right hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off, it's too late......
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
but she didn't wear that one very often.
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men, said
F*** him, He's only an egg.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
Little Boy Blew.
Hey, He needed the money
Re: Never Question A Drunk
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee and
1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
WHAT IS MARKETING??
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
-That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing to you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
-That's Advertising
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
-That's Telemarketing
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten you dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing yourself slightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-That's Public Relations
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
-That's Brand Recognition
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
-That's Tech Support
You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout
at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
-That's SPAM
Its all about the Pig.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
The Knob
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob",where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children, one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago".
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little oy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Mug
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm an Australian Politician!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
Dr Joe
Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a While he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a vet."
Know the difference
All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband. The husband was totally dumfounded and asks, "What was that for?" Wife said, "Because, you are a bad lover". Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife. This time, the wife was confused and asked, "And may I ask what's that about?" Husband said, " Simple, because you know the difference.
Love and marriage
It was Sunday morning and the people were in their church pews talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am? The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Brothel blow out
Two old men decide they are close to their last days on earth and decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they ended up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.
Her manager does as he is told and the two old men go up stairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first one says,"You know, I think my girl was dead!
"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."
"A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window
Sex
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.
The cucumber: "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad?
When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."
The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."
Defective parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Incredible," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?", the guy asks,"Then answer this.....How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Psssssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "My word!" he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up her nighty, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down.. "WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Darned if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.
Sunburn
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
The self-assured princess
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:.....................
I don't f#cking think so!!
MARRIAGE PART I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want-and I
don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night......whether you're here or not."
MARRIAGE (PART II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.’
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
MARRIAGE (PART III)
A husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this late....doing what?". She said. "Getting a second opinion!"
MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six'?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'"
MARRIAGE (PART V)
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Europe. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am". The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it read. "It's 5:00am, wake up."
Australia Post
There was this fellow who worked for Australia Post whose job it was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.
One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.
Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I think it must have been those thieving pr!cks at Australia Post."
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says,..............."Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?" "Yes," says the rabbi, "for modesty reasons, men and women dance separately." "So I can't dance with my own wife?" "No." "Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?" "Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!" "What about different positions?" the man asks. "No problem," says the rabbi. "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Why not?" replies the rabbi. "How about doggie-style?" "Of course!" "Well, what about standing up?" "NO!" says the rabbi, "It could lead to dancing!"
A man enters his favorite restaurant and sits at his regular table. Looking around, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to her, knowing that if she accepts it she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and takes it over to the girl, saying,"This is from the gentleman over there," indicating to him. She regards the wine coolly for a second and decides to send a note over to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the lady.
It read: "For your information - I happen to have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
Bud and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander, NFLD. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
Jim says "Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
Bud says "What's that?"
Jim says "Have you farted yet?"
Bud says "No....."
Jim says "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in TORONTO!!!"
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty, But In The Office Aren’t:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid! My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office isn't:
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty, But In A Law Firm Aren’t:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in a law firm isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty, But In Golf Aren’t:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.
Know your opponent
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
If you love something
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. BUT. If it just sits in your living room, Messes up your stuff, Eats your food, Uses your telephone, Takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.
Then, You either married it or gave birth to it!
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss The Late Night Sport.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumps Ville. Population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the Post Office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can take it home." The Post Office clerk explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The Post Office man shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to take that bull back to your farm if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow... ("com-for-da- bull )
The Birds & The Bees.
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.The man thought, "Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks -
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Women Drivers!
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the hard shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave her the finger."Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 4 lane Motor way.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to some- thing like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give one the finger? ....... I think not..
Postman Pat's Last Day
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
when he arrived at the first house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, beans and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a five pound note out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words,"he said, "but what's the fiver for?" Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, "F**k him....Give him a fiver."
"The breakfast was my idea."
Eve's Mate
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, ! so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see....where did I put that useless boob?
Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that nonsense about the rib?
SEX
Recent research shows that there are five kinds of sex:
1. Smurf Sex: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
2. Kitchen Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
3. Bedroom Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
4. Hallway Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "F**k You".
5. Courtroom Sex: This is when you can not stand your wife anymore. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
QUICKIES
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? - Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee? - The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? - The position of the dirt bag.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? - One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? - Doughnuts.
How did the tugboat get AIDs? - It was rear-ended by a ferry.
A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
Define "Egghead:" - What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
What's the definition of a teenager? - God's punishment for enjoying sex.
What two words will clear out a men's restroom? - "Nice Dick!"
What's the definition of eternity? - 4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.
Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.
Why is sex like a game of bridge? - If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
What do a coffin and a condom have in common? - They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? - Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
How is a woman like a condom? - Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
CREATION
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
THIS WILL BE US SOMEDAY
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a junction. The traffic light was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"
THE HORTH
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he is sending a friend over to look at a horse. The buddy says, "How will I recognise him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith looking horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf"
The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit.
BREASTS
Perfect breasts (o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o o
D cups { O }{ O }
Wonder Bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Breasts (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )
Android Breasts | o | | o |
And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done, and it was good.. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in
her hand," What can be done with this useless tit?"
And God created man.
DON’T STEP ON THE DUCKS!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy replies, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck
AT THE THEATRE...
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The Police man surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what's our name?”
“Sam,” the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."
EXPERIMENT
A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time and see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.
"I'm an engineer" says the Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks - why don't you handle the cooking?"
The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese man "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says.
The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks. A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies.
The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up" The team are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."
The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the Englishman, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since".
They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with half a coconut on his head, and peacock feathers sticking out of his derriere, and shouts:
"SUPPLIES!!"
A BLONDE JOKE
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother". The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. "Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out ...." he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead". The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it .... and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said........... "Hello, mum can you hear me?"
THE KEEN TEXAS SALESMAN
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview. "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said. The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. "One," said the lad. "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man. "How did you manage that?!?" asked the boss, flabbergasted. "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22 foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck." "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment. "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "
There are a lot more to come!
new jokes will be posted at the top of the page.
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