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Girls and booze
''The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Aaaaaaaaaaaaatichooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an aeroplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."
Thoughts for the week
You know, sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked, But then,I drink some Windolean it keeps me from streaking.
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it... so I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I have my own little world, but it's OK... they know me here.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a moaner or a screamer.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for £1.00 at the bowling alley.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, why do I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudist's are people you don't want to see naked?
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
Dear Lord
So far today, I'm-doing all right.
I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy,grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent.
I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.
I have charged nothing on my credit card.
But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need your help then.
Amen
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes six minutes to get hard.
Only three minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 6 other guys
But worst of all..
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!
So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!
There is a message here men... pay careful attention.
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good Laugh! Or men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks....
But Chocolate sings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alternative Valentines messages..
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.
But I only slept with you, because I was pi**ed.
************************
I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.
*************************
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
*************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.
***************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.
***************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
****************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
****************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
****************************
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
******************************
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
******************************
My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell".
*******************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
The Gym
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?".
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."
Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."
The Police follow an erratically driven Ford Sierra down the road when they decide to pull him over.
They find the driver to be a Zulu wearing a full warrior outfit and, sure enough, he's as drunk as a Skunk with the bottle of Scotch still in his hand.
The police man immediately returns to his car to radio one of his colleagues and says.....Sierra, Zulu Whiskey! You're not going to believe this...........
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...
Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2
sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to
your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows
Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town.
If she finds her way home, don't shag her.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than meets the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, Ever since your mother came to dinner, I cant find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose
your mom took it, do you? John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle from my house and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Julie but the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now, Love Mom."
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman meant to him and how blessed he was to have her.
Adam began to ask questions about her .
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why
did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you. !!!
WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE ?
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - £2000; tux rental - £80.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
A 2 week holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £5.99 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, totally unaware of who the golfing legend is. "Top of the morning' to yer, Sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick " Hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those, son?" asks the attendant." They're called Tees." replies Tiger." Well, what on good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They are for resting my balls when I am driving." says Tiger. "Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, " BMW thinks of everything!!!".
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This
is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of
the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the
gorilla interprets as an invitation.
He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquillised, and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?" she asks.
She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called!
A guy walks into a Pub and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with £10 notes. The man guesses there must be thousands of pounds in it. He approaches the bar man and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay ten pounds and, if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first," says the bar man. "Those are the rules." So the man give him the £10 and the bar man drops it into the jar. "OK," says the bar man, "here's what you need to do. First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never reached a climax while making love. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 quid, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things ..." "Your call," says the bar man, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then....silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body. "Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
A man is driving down a country road in Ireland when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down... Just Fowl
A guy stopped at the garage on his way home with a problem with his car. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home? The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the guy said, and out the door he went. As he walked home he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Princess Street?" The guy said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Princess Street. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and give me the thrusting of my life?''
The guy said, "Bloody hell lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil
on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Redundancy
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were equally qualified and both did excellent
work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit"
Answering Machine at Mental Health Hospital
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. (this also applies if you are from Hong Kong)
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up
The Silent Monastery
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that, "the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. " You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest,
"You've done feck all but moan
since you got here."
Roll Your Own
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much cheaper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!
Oh To Be A Pig
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God...!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm....... 30 minutes ??.)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares! )
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig?)
Speeding Ticket
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 10 mph over the speed limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a police man with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "what's your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work". "Oh yeah" said the police man, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher" I responded The police man was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? and just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well, "I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until its about 6 foot wide". "And just what do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge......"
Traffic ticket £95
Court costs £245
The look on that cop's face PRICELESS!!!!!
VERY IMPORTANT:
If you receive an e-mail entitled "Bedtimes," delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetises the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone to auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOODNESS SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? it will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Imax. If the "Bedtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close proximity to a full bath. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.*******
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send to everyone and, if you are a blonde .... this is a joke.
Here's a bloke with a brain
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were wide apart, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table & emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed & asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs of this offer, John says that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons & John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time at 2pm sharp & after paying her the agreed upon £500, they went to the bedroom & completed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed & left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm & upon entering the house, asks his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you £500?". In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, & after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning & borrowed £500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home & pay me back."
NOW THAT'S A PLAYER ! ! ! !
One Night Stand
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you started to ravish my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry. Finally, I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail. Only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake, waiting for you ... as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go; will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear; I won't rest until I squeeze your blood out . . .
you.....
you.....
phlucking mosquito!
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