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Qantas Gripe Sheet
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
"Why God made moms"
answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions.
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too!
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(OH THIS IS SOOO GOOD)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Things That Make You Say ......
1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet
4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis
10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does?
Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?
Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.
Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha
18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?
Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really.
Frank
And, saving the best for last . . .
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.
Thomas
Ageing
An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. "You know," she said, "we were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago."
"Yeah," he said, "but we were probably naked."
"So let's get naked now," she suggested.
So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.
"You know," she said smiling lovingly, "my nipples feel just as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
He replied, "I'm sure they are - one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
What love means to kids
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.
What does Love mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening > presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it > everyday."
Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all > day."
Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
Bra size
A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He repeated, "A Baptist Bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember." said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."
Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why and how A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up
Neat signs
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in.! "
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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Another a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip Call your plumber.."
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Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blow-out."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck :
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However,! if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
A Blonde GUY JOKE
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too!
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(OH THIS IS SOOO GOOD)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."!
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband. The husband was totally dumfounded and asks, "What was that for?"
Wife said, "Because, you are a bad lover".
Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife.
This time, the wife was confused and asked, "And may I ask what's that about?"
Husband said, " Simple, because you know the difference
DEPT.OF HOMELAND SECURITY ALERT
We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
SENIOR MOMENTS II
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road at the next intersection.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
NURSING HOME
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well-cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked
"To get my teeth!"
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
Eighty year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
SENILITY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
SEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
A 92 year old man who loves to fish was sitting in his boat on a lake when he heard a voice say,"pick me up". He looked around and could not see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again, "pick me up" He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. The old man said, "are you talking to me?". The frog said,"yes I'm talking to you. Pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and I will give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures that you have ever dreamed of." The old man looked at the frog and for a short time and then reached over and picked it up carefully. Placing it in his front breast pocket. then the frog said, "what, are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said?" I said, "kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had". The old man opened his pocket and looked at the frog and said, "at my age I'd rather have a talking frog".
The new country
Yes, its another Sven & Ole story:
Sven & Ole with their wives had just arrived in New York after their trip from the "old country" farm in Sveden. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, as they went into Macy's but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. Ole, never having seen such a ting, asked Sven vat it vas. Sven responded, "I don't know, I never seen anyting like dis in my life, I don' know vat it is". While they were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and they watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out. Sven, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to Ole.............
"Qvik, go get Lena". - - - -
After sending her, - - - when it reopened, Sven was disappointed and said to Ole: "Dis Macy Makeover Machine must be broken!! Call the manager!"
Healthy Eating
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it ... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets
The Army Fifty one Years Ago
Fifty one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain man was drafted by the Army..
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On his third day the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army is still looking for him.
Walmart ventures into a new field...
BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R. I. She said: "The right name is important." So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
And the Number One name for Walmart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante
ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SON
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowmed. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Love, Mom.
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his p@nis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the monks until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell..... And then,...... all the other bells started to ring......
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $180,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, a couple of days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asked him why he was leaving and the boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $180,000 mortgage!"
For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France.
After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America.
While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary!"
Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"
5 SECRETS TO A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
It is important that a man makes you laugh.
It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
It is important that a man is a good kisser and loves loving you.
It is important that these 4 men don't know each other.
A PRAYER FOR MY FRIENDS
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the
crotch of the person who screws up your day and may
their arms be too short to scratch...
AMEN
This family, a husband, a wife, and a little boy-moved. The dad decided that one day he would go to a nude beach one day and took the little boy with him. When they got back, the little boy went to his mom and said, "Mom, some of the ladies there had big boobs." The mom then said, "Well son, the bigger they are the dumber the person."
The two go to the beach again. Afterwards, the boy goes to his mom again and says, "Mom, some of the guys have big willy's." The mom says, "Same goes for them son. The bigger they are the dumber the person."
The two go to the beach one more time and the boy goes to his mother when they get back. "Mom, daddy was talking to a dumb blond and he was getting dumber by the minute."
10 Reasons why God created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he
wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labour pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all
[Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.]
God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that."
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the Squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the friggin' putt, didn't you?"
Three friends; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.
They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's
the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: How much?"
WOMAN: $60,000.
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel
movement."
The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I
crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."
Best newspaper headlines of years past
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D for the Journal of Court Reporting.
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.
* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
*The patient's past medical histroy has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table.
The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone. Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"? She says, "I was in bed".
"In bed this late in the day, doing what?"
"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.
DEAR ABBY STUMPERS
The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer:
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two- and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?
Nothing To Worry About
While cruising at nearly forty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
"My gosh!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and cam running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the
other side.
The passengers were in a frenzy now, and even the flight attendant couldn't
maintain order. Just then, the tall, smiling pilot came out from the cockpit and assured everyone that things would be okay. His words and his demeanor seemed to calm most of the passengers who sat back down while the captain slowly made his way to the back. He then, calmly took a few packages out from under some seats and handed them to the flight attendants. Each crew member slipped the pack on their backs.
"Say!" spoke an alert passenger. "Aren't those parachutes?"
The captain nodded and said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worryabout!"
"Their isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
Beep Beep
Paddy and Seamus were flying to the U.S.A. in a jumbo jet when an hour into the flight they heard this message: beep beep "this is your captain speaking we have just lost one of our four engines. Do not be alarmed this plane is fully equipped to fly us to america on only three engines but we will be delayed for 20 minutes"
An hour later they heard beep beep "this is your captain speaking, another one of the engines have cut out. Do not be alarmed because this plane is fully equiped to fly to america on only two engines but it means we will be delayed a further hour" This was fine with paddy and seameus and they went to sleep.
An hour later they were awakened by beep beep "this is your captain speaking we have lost a third of our four engines. Do not be alarmed this plane is fully equiped to fly to america on only one engine though our total delay time will be 3 hours 30 minutes" Paddy then turned to seameus and said "I hope the other one doesn't go or we'll be up here all night!"
Specimen Jar
Harold is 82 and having some prostate problems. After examining him, the
doctor gives him a specimen jar and says, "Take this home with you, and try to produce a semen specimen. Stop by tomorrow and drop it off so I can run a few tests."
Harold takes the jar and heads home. The next day, Harold comes in and asks to speak with the doctor. When he is taken into the office, the doctor asks how he made out.
"Not good, Doc." Says Harold. "I went home and tried to do what you said. I tried with my right hand 'til it was cramped from the arthritis...no luck. I
tried with my left hand, until I had blisters...still no luck.
"Then I asked my wife to help me out, so she tried with her left hand and
then with her right hand...no luck. She even tried with her mouth. She tried
with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out...still no luck.
"Then we called Edna, next door, to see if she could help..."
"Good Grief man!" exclaimed the doctor,"You asked your next door neighbour to help you?"
"Yep." Says Harold, "Couldn't none of us get the lid off that jar."
Best newspaper headlines of 1999
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Little Rubber Thingy
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a thirteen-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing thirteen years ago, I would have a seat today."
Wagging It
Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Mugger
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded.Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
ANOTHER BLOND JOKE
One day this blonde was driving down the Highway when she noticed another blonde rowing a boat in a corn field. She pulled over and and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us bad names!"
On being ignored, she continues ".. and if I could swim I'd come out there and drown you!"
BLONDES
There was this bar and blondes were celebrating in the corner, with beers shouting, "41 days, 41 days!!!!"
The bartender watched as they more came in and joined the celebration.
He was finally so curious that he went over and said, "Why are you celebrating shouting, '41 days, 41 days!!!'?" And a blonde held up a 4 piece puzzle box and said, "The box said 4 to 6 years, and it only took us 41 days!!!!!!!!!!!!"
TWO ACCOUNTANTS
Two Accountants were biking across the park when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second Accountant guy replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want."
The first Accountant guy nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
REDNECKS
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
... "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
WISE WOMEN
What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? (I know it's difficult, but try?)
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
BUT - what would they have said when they left...?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?"
I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back"
DEFINITIONS
Coffee (n.) A person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.) Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence (n.) The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.) A rapidly receding hairline.Pokemon (n) A Jamaican proctologist.
Testicle (n.) A humorous question on an exam.
Oyster (n.) A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Abdicate (v.) To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.) To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.) Impotent
Negligent (adj.) Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.) To walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.) An olive-flavored mouthwash.
Rectitude (n.) The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Circumvent (n.) The opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.) The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
FOUR LETTER WORDS
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so Awful. WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...words like:
Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."
"I'll pick you up in ten minutes," said the mother.
THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
ADVICE FROM KIDS
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." ---Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?' .... Don't answer." ---Hannah, age 9
"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." ---Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes." ---Randy, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." ---Emily, age 10
"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." ---Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." ---Traci, age 14
"A puppy always has bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." ---Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time." ---Kyoyo, age 11
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." ---Amir, age 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." ---Kellie, age 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." ---Naomi, age 15
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." ---Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." ---Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." ---Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptise a cat." ---Eileen, age 8
VIAGRA JOKES
A crate load of Viagra was stolen from a distribution depot - Police were looking for hardened criminals. It has been revealed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff sentencing. Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck. There's a new beverage on the market today. It is called Viagraccino - one cup and you are up all night. A man and his wife went to the chemists to pick up his prescription. Seeing the $20 per pill price, the man was astonished - but his wife had a different opinion - Oh, $60 a year ain't too bad. A report out today states that gardeners will not need to stake tomato plants any longer. Just one Viagra tablet in their water, and they stand up straight and firm.
What's the difference between Niagara and Viagra? - Niagara Falls
CHEATERS
Three men died and they went to the pearly gates. Saint Peter told them that the kind of vehicle they would drive in heaven depended on how they lived their life.
He told the first man he would have a Cadillac because he lived a good life and never cheated on his wife.
He told the second he would have a motorcycle because he only cheated on his wife once and he regretted it.
Then he told the third guy he would have a bicycle because he cheated on his wife alot.
Well, two years later, the man on the bicycle spotted the man in the Cadillac crying.
He asked why he is crying since he had such a nice car and the man replied, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"
PAYBACK TIME
For all the men who like to send blonde jokes..... the pay backs are here!
1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg? They won't stop and ask for directions.
4. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
5. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually will mature.
6. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
7. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know. It has never happened.
8. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
9. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
10. When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
11. Why are married women usually heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
12. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Tape the remote control between his toes.
13. What did God say after creating man? "I must be able to do better than THAT!".
14. What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect".
15. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're all married.
16. Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful? "God says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb? "God says, "So she would love you!".
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